Below is a letter I wrote to my cousin’s daughter to explain why I was not a totally out-of-touch nerd to give her a copy of Pride and Prejudice as a college going-away gift (even though, I really am a totally out-of-touch nerd).

Dear Stacee,

Before you roll your eyes and prepare a polite smile – “Thank you so much for giving me what looks like summer reading homework as a graduation gift!” – let me explain. I’m not one of those weird people that gives 19th century British literature for no reason (okay, I actually am one of those people, but not this time. This time I have tons of reasons).

It’s hard to know what to give someone when they are going off to college – especially someone who seems to have everything together, the way you do. I know your parents will probably worry about you in the upcoming few months when they envision you living on your own on a college campus, but I don’t – from the perspective of someone in the family, but not in your immediate family, let me tell you: you’ll be great (you know it’s true, because I have no reason to lie). 

But JUST because you’re going to do great doesn’t mean you don’t need tools, right? You know, like how every master carpenter has a screwdriver kit or something in his tool belt to help him fix shelves or some crap like that (I’m great with metaphors, by the way). They may go out and build kick-ass houses, but they don’t do it with their bare hands (although if they did, they would be Amish….focus, Courtney; focus). Anyways, they need tools. And if I learned anything in college, it’s all about having the right tools. 

This book is a tool for you. Don’t worry – this letter isn’t a long pontification about how a book is a tool for your life, with sentences heavily laden with double meanings. I mean, I majored in English, but that was almost 10 years ago and I haven’t had to write anything more involved than a Facebook status since my early 20’s, so don’t expect me to go all Ernest Hemingway. I’m just going to give you a list of all the ways you can use this awesome tool as you settle into college life. 

1. Coaster.
Admittedly, not the first thing I would recommend using it for (even though I just kind of did) – but if you do nothing else with this book while you are at college, you can use it to keep your bedside table from getting those weird rings that will develop as a result of placing a (NON-ALCOHOLIC) beer on the surface. So there’s that. 

2. Conversation piece.

When I was in college, I never lived in the dorms – but from what I hear, you pretty much spend your whole day trying not to be in them. The good thing is, most college campuses make it really easy to avoid them except to sleep (and even then, there’s the library!). There are coffee shops and student lounges and grassy lawns and fountains and benches and all sorts of places for the average person to sit with their book bag and get some studying done. And, if you are new to your college and wondering what the easiest way to get to know someone is whilst sitting amidst a sea of freshman students on a quad in early September, why – pull out this book! Angle it so that it is clearly visible to anyone who walks by you, and, if it looks a little battered (like it went through the washer/dryer kind of battered), then that’s good. Because someone is going to ask you about it. The best part is, there are no wrong answers. You get someone who says: “Omigod do you love Jane Austen tooooooooo? She is amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazingg….” and you can chime in with, “I knooooooowww…..and when she writes about that girl, who did that thing, that one time, it’s so aaaaawsome….” and you’ll get points for loving Jane Austen and no one will EVER KNOW you haven’t actually read it. Seriously, this is what English majors do all the time. If you pick that as your major (please do…come home to us, child), you’ll find that BS is pretty much the name of the game. Anyways, I digress. You will also get the people who see your copy of Pride and Prejudice and say: “Seriously, who likes Jane Austen? Does anyone even read her anymore?” To which you can respond, “(heavy sigh) I know… but I got it as a graduation gift, so I couldn’t just leave it at home….” And then you have more conversation about lame relatives and comparing class schedules and hey, isn’t there a Jamba Juice somewhere close where we can get a smoothie?

3. Pillow. 

Exactly what it sounds like. 

4. Built-in budget reduction.

Because if you’re in college, it means you have to take general education classes. And English is one of those subjects that has a way of sneaking into general education classes. And if you end up filling your English GE requirement by taking a 19th century British Literature survey course, I will bet my daughter (who will love you eventually, just keep it up….no, seriously) that Pride and Prejudice is listed on the syllabus. And when you realize that, you remember that you have this book stashed in your dorm and realize that it represents $12.50 that you don’t have to spend at the campus bookstore. Boom. Money saved. You’re welcome. 

5. Actual reading. 

Obviously, to me this is the best reason. But it’s also the one verging on semi-seriousness, so I saved it for last and instead drew you in with a bunch of snarky reasons first. But now you’re almost at the end of this letter and you can’t help but finish it (it’s like that Robert Pattinson movie that takes place in a 1920’s traveling circus and is all about him getting on a train and drinking lots of water and falling in love with an elephant – you get 2/3 of the way in and realize that, wait. He’s in love with an elephant. But then you’re sort of committed for the last 45 minutes of the movie and you want to see if he and the elephant make it. That’s what that movie was about, right?  I didn’t actually see it.) ANYWAYS. College is awesome, and you’re going to rock the crap out of it, no doubt. But just because you’re going to do awesome doesn’t that there aren’t parts that are sucky. You’ll have a crappy roommate. Or you’ll go to get your laundry done and there’s ALWAYS a 2-hour wait at the laundromat. Or your class schedule sucks. Or your professors are tough. Or college life is bigger and scarier than you thought it would be and you really wish you could just go home. It could be any of those – it could be none of those. But there will be something that sucks, because going to college is change, and change is never comfortable while it’s happening. This book, though, is not an easy tool to fix that. Sorry, nothing so nice. You have to just go through all the sucky uncomfortableness and deal with it and come out the other side a stronger, even more confident person than you were before (yaaaaaay…adulthood). 

But while you’re going through bad times. When you’re feeling really lonely, maybe. Or missing home. Or…just having a bad day and need some “me” time. This book is the tool for that kind of situation. 

This is the book you crack open when you’re in that weird funk and need something comforting. And you read it and start to appreciate that, even though the heroine lived over 200 years ago and in a totally different country with a totally different background, her story is kind of like the college experience. Like you, she starts out with her familiar home and family, and soon is challenged by new experiences and people. She starts to realize that she has a lot to learn about what it means to be an adult. And she comes to know herself a little better, by the time the book ends. (I should also point out that all comparisons to the modern “college experience” end when  Elizabeth gets married by the end of the novel, and that’s kind of the point of every Jane Austen book, but what can you do – she was a product of her times and chicks had limited options. And don’t get mad and yell that knowing that she gets the guy in the end makes this a spoiler. This is a freaking Jane Austen novel, not some crazy Catcher in the Rye post-modern drivel. They all get married in these books. Everyone. Even the cows. There are cattle weddings).

So anyways. Congratulations on completing an amazing high school career, and good luck (though you won’t need it) as you head off to start the next phase of your life. Keep this book in mind when you pack – if nothing else, it could be handy in beating off a swarm of bees (ooh, reason #6!). 

Good luck!

Courtney 

P.S. This entire letter is moot if you have already read, and loved Pride and Prejudice, which would then just go to show that you totally rock and are my favorite person.

• 2014