I think I speak for all parents of school-aged children when I say that summer is the absolute worst. I personally spent the first 5 years of each of my kids’ lives waiting for them to be old enough to attend public school, thus cutting down the daycare bill. The first day that all three of our kids went off to school, Michael and I high-fived and then sobbed hysterically. It felt like true freedom. Once our kids were gone, we remembered why we’d decided to have them in the first place.

So to experience 9 months of this (relative) bliss as a family dynamic, only to be hit in the face with 3 months of no school – just all of us stuck together in a house….sucks. It feels like a regression in time to when they were all 3 and barely able to function on their own, and, adding insult to injury, it happens to take place during the hottest time of the year.

Anyone who knows me knows I will go to a lot of lengths not to have to spend too much time with my kids (I mean, I love them – but from a distance, preferably out of earshot of their youtube videos. Or when they’re sleeping). So when Michael told me he was thinking of putting the kids in a series of summer camps to keep them occupied (and keep us from going crazy), I wholeheartedly supported him.

We ended up enrolling the kids in a series of week-long camps. Most were through our local parks & recreation program and were fairly innocuous. But there was one week-long stretch that we realized needed to be filled, lest we hear so many arguments about whose Minecraft turn it was that we actually had to become somewhat involved in our kids’ interests, if only to referee them.

“I’ve enrolled the kids in a local church camp,” Michael informed me, solving the problem.

Church camp? We’re not a religious family – I mean, we go to a Unitarian church but that is a far cry from the very traditional, conservative religious communities Michael and I both grew up in. Our kids, as a result, don’t have much religious structure. Rebecca does yoga. We try sporadically to encourage mindfulness (“Jack, think about how you are feeling when you throw your chicken nuggets on the ground. Feel your feelings and then name them. As soon as you stop throwing your broccoli at the dog”).

How would our kids react to spending their mornings in a culture which was completely foreign to them? Would they be nervous? Feel out of place? Convert? Would we have three budding evangelists by the time the week was over? Well, we definitely didn’t have that last one.

Here’s how the week went.

Monday:

*Kids come home*

Us: How was your first day at church camp, kiddos?

Rebecca, darkly: I don’t know about this. There was a lot of praying. A LOT.

Me: Well…you don’t have to pray if you don’t want to. When other people pray, you can be respectful but –

R: Oh I DEFINITELY didn’t pray. I just stared at the person leading the prayer while everyone’s head was bowed and told other kids around me they didn’t have to pray if they didn’t want to.

Me: Ok, so maybe there’s a middle ground between praying if you don’t want to pray and igniting a revolt –

R: THEY CAN’T MAKE ME PRAAAAAAAAY

Me, whispering to Michael: We’re not going to pull them out after one day, are we?

Michael, hissing back: Hell no, we paid for an entire week. They’ll learn about God and enjoy it.

Tuesday:

Me, driving Charlie to ninja class: How was camp today?

Charlie: Super fun this time! There’s this theme we have in the camp, called the Great Mystery. Every day we get another clue and at the end of the week we will get to solve it!

Me: Cool! what are the clues you have gotten so far

C: Yesterday, it was the word “ask”. Today, it was “seek”.

Me: I bet tomorrow it will be “knock”

C: *pause*

C: I think that’s what it is. How do you know that

Me (former evangelical kid): Because there’s a famous Bible verse, “Ask and it shall be given, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be open to you”.

C: Are you a witch

Me: Let’s not throw that word around tomorrow at camp buddy. Not the right audience.

C: I can’t wait to find out the Great Mystery at the end of the week. It’s going to be AMAZING.

(spoiler alert, I knew what the Great Mystery would be – it’s Jesus. It’s always Jesus)

Wednesday:

Us: Jack, what do you think about camp this week?

J: It’s fun

Us: Oh yeah?

J: Yeah

*pause*

J: There are obstacle courses and popsicles

Cool story, bro.

Thursday:

Michael, picking up the kids on their final day: You look a little sad Charlie, what’s up? You sad to be leaving camp?
C: They made us play in WATER and I got WET and I hate getting WET and we found out the Great Mystery was a LIE!!!!

M (realizing that Charlie is yelling this out in front of all of the camp leaders and parents): Ok bud, let’s maybe talk about this later on in the car –

C: NO DAD, you don’t GET IT.

(Michael looks around nervously)

C: The Great Mystery was SUPPOSED to be behind a DOOR but then they opened the door at the end AND THERE WAS NOTHING BEHIND IT

(Camp counselors and kids all get quiet)

C: BECAUSE THE GREAT MYSTERY WAS SUPPOSED TO BE JESUS AND THEY TOLD US HE WASN’T BEHIND THE DOOR BECAUSE HE IS ACTUALLY IN OUR HEARTS WHICH IS A LIE.

(dead silence)

C: JESUS IS A LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE

Me, at work, receiving text from Michael on my phone reading: “We are most likely disinvited from church camp next summer.”

So in summary, this week we learned that our daughter actively resists organized prayer, one of our sons is an atheist, and our other son will join any type of organization that promotes obstacle courses and gives out popsicles. It was an educational week – probably not in the way the camp had intended. But educational nonetheless.

Honestly, the worst part about this week was realizing midway through that we forgot to sign the kids up for anything next week. It’s enough to make me start researching to see if there are any other church camp openings. At another church, obviously. One where no one knows us.