Research professor, lecturer and author Brene Brown has said, “You can choose courage or you can choose comfort, but you cannot have both.”

I’ve dealt with chronic anxiety my whole life. I intensely overthink, worry, play out hypothetical situations to the “nth” degree, and lose sleep.

This anxiety has transcended all aspects of my life – parenthood, friendship, family; but it has perhaps most intensely impacted my workplace experiences.

I have a strong case of Imposter Syndrome – believing I am not good enough, but am faking it enough to fool everyone, and will someday be found out. Years of therapy have made me aware of this tendency, if not quite able to banish it. Imposter Syndrome means that I work hard at my job, convinced that if I don’t, I will get fired. Interestingly, management has seen my work, and as a result I have been promoted over the years. I respond to each promotion with relief that I had managed to fool everyone yet again! – And then, I worry about how I will continue to fool them in this new role.

A couple of years ago, I got fed up with this anxiety. I was tired of being afraid I’d fail all the time. I was approached about a new job opportunity, and although I knew very little about the department, I decided to apply. I consciously thought, “This. THIS will be how I finally defeat my fear.”

I didn’t know what I was getting myself into.

I got that job – over the next two years, I worked harder and longer, in the most difficult work environment I had ever experienced. I felt out of my depth daily. I was certain I was under-performing. My discomfort was intense. It was the hardest two years I had ever experienced.

I read somewhere that when you ask God – or the universe, or life, – for something, you will be given what you ask for, but not always in the way you expect. If you ask for strength under pressure, you aren’t magically gifted with strength – you will be given challenging situations where you can learn to be strong. If you ask for empathy, you may be given hardships that will help you better understand others who have gone through their own suffering. I’ve heard this called Buddha’s Gift: situations occur – maybe we asked for them, maybe we didn’t. And they challenge us. Pain us. As we make our way through, we find ourselves changed. Stretched. Grown.

In deciding to conquer my anxiety with that new job, I was unknowingly asking for Buddha’s gift. Those two years presented me with many opportunities to sit with discomfort. To understand my fear. To befriend my anxiety.

I still have that job. It’s still challenging. But I learned something about myself, from these past two years. I’m not a quitter. My anxiety lied to me, when it told me for years that I would eventually find a job too hard, that would beat me. This role didn’t beat me – I’m actually very good at it. I’m more experienced. More knowledgeable. I am very aware now of the challenges that less experienced people feel, trying to learn their own roles. Now, I am more empathetic, and I now have the courage to speak up and call for more attention and support for those who need it.

Back to Brene Brown. “You can choose courage or you can choose comfort, but you cannot have both.” I didn’t know, two years ago, that I was choosing courage – I just tired of living with fear. But in retrospect, I was choosing the opportunity to be courageous. And in response, I was given Buddha’s gift to become more like the person I want to be. I am so thankful.