I will not have my husband forever. 

I know this. It hurts my heart but I know this. 

One day he will be gone. A few years older than I.

maybe soon— a car crash, an aneurysm,

or decades from now, if grace is kind.

But some day I will have to re-learn the shape of living 

without him – the other half of me 

(Really, two-thirds). 

The years – decades? 

yes, decades – 

we’ll have had will make it so strange to adjust to an (unwanted) single life. 

I will not have my husband forever. 

Why do I cry now, when all is well? 

Even the anticipation, far away (hopefully) 

Makes the room go blurry and I need a tissue. 

How could I do this without him, 

when he is my everything?

My everything. 

But not quite. Actually, not by a long shot. 

I will not have my husband forever. 

One day it will be me, not us.

I’ll want to tell him a joke or share a story but there will only be silence. 

But. I’ll have our children. If I’m lucky. 

If – god willing – they still reach for me. 

The best parts of both our lives, 

Wrapped into their bodies. 

Right now they are loud, argumentative, silly, achingly young. 

Someday they will be grown, but I will still see

babies in their college, young adult, middle aged faces.

Their faces which favor their father so much. 

I won’t have my husband forever. 

But I’ll have our children. I hope 

(The alternative is unbearable, don’t speak it)

I hope I’ll have our children. 

He will live in our children, even as they are their own souls. 

I won’t have my husband forever but if – 

If 

If. 

If. 

I have our children – if they will have me – 

It will be enough.

Until I walk that path behind him.